Turns Out We’re All Ok

I beat myself up for quite some time about my natural tendency to be a jack of all trades and master of none. Or more specifically, how I didn’t seem to be capable of sticking with a particular interest or hobby long enough to add it to my “who I was” palate. I thought this to be a problem which made me a rather flavorless, undisciplined person. 

But as it turns out, I was doing it perfectly all along. We all are doing life perfectly, so long as we stay true to what we know of ourselves. 

See, in not being able to build an impressive palate of “who I am”, I was shown the real nature of who I am. Who a person is, is not the things they do. 

Try answering the question “Who are you?” without listing off things you do or how you relate to others (spouse, parent, sibling, etc.)

What did you come up with?

No, really – try it for a moment. 

Who is this self behind your eyes? That’s something only you can answer. So it’s worth thinking about. 

I realized that my jumping around from thing to thing is a wonderful way to not get too caught up in any one particular thing, thus being in danger of attaching myself to that thing as if I could be a part of it. Or it, a part of me. I am not a guitarist, I play guitar. I am not a husband, though I am married. Those are only social titles which describe my relation to a task or person. Who I am is much bigger and can only be seen when these social conventions have faded away. And for me at least, that had to be done through much pain and suffering. 

So who am I? Well, I have my answer, and yours may very well differ. So I think it best to leave that for you to find on your own. 🙂


More Bullet Points

Need to jot these events down. I guess that’s what this has become. (At least for now.)

  • Realized my jack of all trades, master of none is a great thing! I find zen & god in many things, some of which fill my mind (lectures, reading, learning new languages, conversation) and others that empty it (music, video games, yoga, meditation, binaural beats, tv) and by constantly cycling through not just the filling and emptying of my mind which brings mental balance, but the actual activities, I avoid getting too wrapped up in any one hobby. My short attention span and wide variety of tastes seem to have saved me from over indulgence and the dangers of feeling like god is in a particular thing rather than all things. Noice.
  • I forget the other thing.

Why Your Life is Not a Journey


The existence, the physical universe is basically playful. There is no necessity for it whatsoever. It isn’t going anywhere. That is to say, it doesn’t have some destination that it ought to arrive at. But that it is best understood by the analogy with music. Because music, as an art form is essentially playful. We say, “You play the piano” You don’t work the piano. Why? Music differs from say, travel. When you travel you are trying to get somewhere. In music, though, one doesn’t make the end of the composition. The point of the composition. If that were so, the best conductors would be those who played fastest. And there would be composers who only wrote finales. People would go to a concert just to hear one crackling chord… Because that’s the end! Same way with dancing. You don’t aim at a particular spot in the room because that’s where you will arrive. The whole point of the dancing is the dance.

But we don’t see that as something brought by our education into our conduct. We have a system of schooling which gives a completely different impression. It’s all graded and what we do is put the child into the corridor of this grade system with a kind of, “Come on kitty, kitty.” And you go onto kindergarten and that’s a great thing because when you finish that you get into first grade. Then, “Come on” first grade leads to second grade and so on. And then you get out of grade school and you got high school. It’s revving up, the thing is coming, then you’re going to go to college… Then you’ve got graduate school, and when you’re through with graduate school you go out to join the world. Then you get into some racket where you’re selling insurance. And they’ve got that quota to make, and you’re gonna make that. And all the time that thing is coming – It’s coming, it’s coming, that great thing. The success you’re working for. Then you wake up one day about 40 years old and you say, “My God, I’ve arrived. I’m there.” And you don’t feel very different from what you’ve always felt.

Look at the people who live to retire; to put those savings away. And then when they’re 65 they don’t have any energy left, they’re more or less impotent, and they go and rot in some old peoples’ senior citizens community. Because we simply cheated ourselves the whole way down the line if we thought of life by analogy with a journey, with a pilgrimage – which had a serious purpose at that end – and the thing was to get to that thing at that end. Success, or whatever it is, or maybe heaven after you’re dead. But we missed the point the whole way along.

It was a musical thing, and you were supposed to sing or to dance while the music was being played.

Don’t Forget the Sojourney

I was a very trusting child. And I had every reason to be.

From the beginning, my families’ love and desire to care for me was evident. I took everything the grown-ups said as fact because one of the things they told me out of love was that I would do well to heed their advice and not make the mistakes they had. And to my little ears at least, they said it all so surely. Now, into my mid-30’s, past a whole lot of pain and hurting, I see how they couldn’t have had any idea about the universe we live in, what we even are, or how we got here.

I want to write a basic outline of how I believe I came to arrive at this place of understanding, so I don’t forget.

– 9 years of watching my wife go through heart-wrenching pain and suffering on every level including levels I didn’t know existed.
– Friends not knowing what to say or do except to stop inviting us to events since we could never make it, eventually dropping all communication.
– Various churches and the Christian belief system offering nothing but judgement (both to my wife and I) on a peer and a pastoral level and nothing but cold logical explanations for the generic problem of suffering on a high theological level. Never any practical help.
– Dramatic increase in demonic attacks. Nothing fights, non-issues driving us apart.
– My breaking point. Still under the Christian mindset/terminology at this point, I decided to stop reading the bible and going to church in order to no longer be a threat to the devil so he would leave me alone. This was a test to see if what I’d heard was true. The ‘attacks’ stopped, seemingly proving this concept to be true. (Now, I think I had been forcing this false belief system upon my life and the result of that stress was relationship disconnection resulting in many fights, not demon attacks bc we were a threat to them. We still get attacked by negative entities from time to time but it’s not so easy for them to cause damage since we are healthier spiritually and more transparent relationally.)
– After a few months, a friend reminded me I had gone dark. I had forgotten. I was just enjoying the lack of movement in the spiritual realm. And the freedom of not having to fulfill all the tiring mental Christian obligations of guilt in most everything I naturally think, say and react to. But the 33 years of learned Christian guilt won and made me feel like I should go back, so I went back. I hated it, it felt… different. Wrong somehow. I couldn’t go back, I was in violent opposition to almost everything that was preached from the pulpit. The time away seemed to cleanse the rose color from my glasses.
– I began searching for truth in all places, especially places formerly ‘forbidden’. I felt lied to, but that the ones that had told the lies honestly believed them and still do. Why was I able to wake up and see outside this game? I don’t feel special. I believe it was the pain, suffering and breaking that does this for people. I began exploring and experiencing life for the first time. I felt behind my peers. It clicked, this is what teenagers are supposed to do! This is what they were doing. They weren’t bad, and I good. This are my teenage years. I found Alan Watts and fell in love with the way he explains the viewpoints of Eastern religion in contrast to the problems I was having with the Western world views. It felt wrong to even be listening to a discussion on how Jesus could have not been the divine savior of the world. But that’s when it clicked, the god that had been speaking directly to me through ‘secular’ songs and finding in the ‘forbidden’ places, the god I know to be alive and real, would never judge me for searching for truth in any place. He doesn’t care that I entertain new ideas in hopes of finding new aspects of him and this crazy thing called life. He loves that! Especially when I do it in my own unique way, and enjoy the process.
– I turned the most important corner of my adult life. I renounced Christianity as my religion and vowed to never let another label define who I should or should not be. And also to stay open to all walks of life and find the truth and value in all of them.

Looking at it objectively, religion is a far-fetched faith-based answer to life’s big questions that we accept as truth. But really, this is a description of belief, not truth. Christians believe the Bible is God-breathed (because it says so all throughout the Bible, lol) and therefore feel comfortable jumping from belief to truth. But no one knows it to be so, everyone believes it to be so. I have yet to meet a human who knows any detail absolutely about the reality of this place. All we can do it observe and make guesses. And I can prove that to you. Gravity is called a law but no one person knows absolutely that all objects everywhere fall at the same rate every single time they’re dropped. So gravity is actually a faith-based concept, not a law and certainly not a knowable absolute truth.

Can we know anything absolutely? Well, if you answer, “no”, are you absolutely sure you can’t? Haha. You see the logic game. So according to basic reasoning, yes we can. But quite honestly, I don’t know how to begin determining absolute truths. How could an entity restricted to a single viewpoint and confined to a limited timeline go about discovering such a thing? It seems so far out of our grasp.

I think our only hope is in listening to our quiet inner voice. Inner voice, Holy Spirit, higher self, spirit guide, it has been given many names by people across the world but this just says to me that something is definitely built into us that helps guide us in our pursuit of truth and understanding the deep questions of life and death.

I forget what I came here to say so I’ll just call it. It may have been that outline of how I got here. Really don’t want to forget that.

Alan Watts says we don’t let ourselves wake up to the truth until we feel we have suffered enough for it (paraphrase). That’s certainly true in my case. It seems to be the mechanism that propels us to a better place.

I think everyone’s path will be similar. So now mine is on the net. Which is another thing I feel compelled to do even though I don’t ever talk about it in real life, except to my wife, my kids, and two friends going through the same kind of journey. I really get a sense that the only point of putting any of this here – the point that all of us on this journey seem to understand is to say repeatedly in as many places as possible,

“You are not alone reader. And you are not crazy.”

We can’t all be individually experiencing a psychotic breakdown. A movement is happening and it’s being driven by the intense suffering of the world. So horribly fascinating, isn’t it?

Amit Goswami

“You can make sense of this world only if you base the world on consciousness. Consciousness is the ground of all being, and quantum physics makes this as clear as daylight.” 
– Amit Goswami (Theoretical Quantum/Nuclear Physicist, Teacher, Philosopher)

Just heard of this guy today and I love what I’ve read so far. From his website’s bio page (http://www.amitgoswami.org/about/):

Goswami has written several other popular books based on his research on quantum physics and consciousness. In The Visionary Window, he demonstrated how science and spirituality could be integrated. In Physics of the Soul, he developed a theory of survival after death and reincarnation. In The Quantum Doctor, Goswami sought to integrate both conventional and alternative medicine. In Creative Evolution, Goswami presented a resolution between Darwinism and the intelligent design of life. In God is Not Dead, he asserted that not only are science and religion compatible but that quantum physics proves the existence of God. In Quantum Creativity: Think Quantum, Be Creative, Goswami explained all facets of creativity—its definition, the quantum thinking it entails, and what is required to be creative. In Quantum Economics: Unleashing the Power of an Economics of Consciousness, he focused on critical issues for a new paradigm in economics and business for the twenty-first century, touching upon the stability and sustainability of the economy and leadership, as well as creativity and ethics in business.

In his most recent book, The Everything Answer Book (April 2017), Goswami’s basic premise is that quantum physics is not only the future of science, but it is also the key to understanding consciousness, death, God, psychology, and the meaning of life.  In short, quantum physics offers a theory of everything.

In his private life Goswami is a practitioner of spirituality and transformation. He calls himself a quantum activist. He appeared in the film What the Bleep Do We Know!? and its sequel Down the Rabbit Hole as well as the documentaries Dalai Lama Renaissance and the award winning The Quantum Activist.

Bella and I have been having these exact revelations in our nightly talks. Everything is true. The two sides of a topic are the same thing – they go together – they aren’t opposed. Good stuff. Can’t wait to see what’s going to happen in the world next. It’s a good time to be alive.

Man, it’s been a long time since I’ve thought that.

Calling Shotgun

Last night we were sitting on the bed after a day at the pool at Moms new place, and she looks over to the old rusted shotgun resting against the wall by our bed and says, “I hate that gun.” It was her grandfathers and she’s pretty sure that it’s one of the ones he used to abuse her. As far as I know, this thought never crossed her conscious mind before now, but it had clearly been brewing in her subconscious for quite awhile. We sat there trying to recall how it even came into our possession and it is a strange story.

One day a few years back we were at her parents house. Her dad pointed to the back deck and asked if I would take that shotgun for a while since it wasn’t supposed to be in a house where her mother lived (she has a history of mental health problems.) He got rid of most of the guns but this one slipped by somehow and he just found it that day I think. I said sure. I was kind of into guns then and I figured I may try to restore it for fun, which of course, never happened. We had it in our bedroom in Millsboro for awhile and then I gave it back to him when she moved out I think. Some time goes by and he sells the house. While he’s moving he asks me to take it again. Just brings it over I think. So I put it back in the bedroom corner behind a door where we lived in Georgetown. It sits there for maybe two years. Two yards from where we sleep every night. Where she tries to sleep every night. Fast forward to today, we just got done moving into our first purchased house and of course, it came along with us and went right next to the bed like it had been for years. Only now, it’s not behind a door. It’s right there, “staring at her” as she puts it. During the whole move she felt it staring.

So last night she puts this all together along with what may have happened in terms of why her grandfather gave a gun to her brother that he had used in an act so heinous towards her, so it would be in the same house. So she would see it again, knowing it came from him. I suppose that because of the fortress she had built around her heart, she had never really given it much thought before this last move. Now seeing it and feeling it around without her walls in place was quite an experience for her. A good one, from a stronger place of power that she’s learning to control. She was ready to face it. And I loved watching her work.

“No. You don’t get to win. Not any longer.”, she said to it as she jumped up and started shuffling through boxes and thinking aloud. “How do you kill a gun? It’s steel, you can’t. That’s the point of them.” She almost let herself feel the defeat he wanted her to all over again. “Water!” She ran out of the room. I followed with the gun. We filled the basement bathtub with water and drowned the thing. I did the honors – It felt right to both of us being that I am a water element and her protector.

Physical ruining the gun was secondary to the spiritual cleansing and removing of potential curses and ties anyone might have had to it. It was intensely freeing. I remember, while I was submerging it, looking into the chamber wall of the shotgun and feeling the connection you feel when looking someone in the eye. I did feel like it was him on the other side, but I wasn’t angry and he wasn’t fighting. The first few times we beat his demon minions he was annoyed. That time we banded together with a friend and killed his senior demon after he attacked her he was surprised and worried. This time we came to him and cut a tie we shouldn’t have known about. And he felt impressed and I felt like he knew his time was coming. More than we did even. We connected there through the water and there was a sort of understanding that transcended emotion. The anger and hatred of the past on both our parts was absent. I didn’t feel it until he acknowledged it. This is all part of the game we play and label life. And after a long evil run, he had been beaten. It was over. Completely.

This is my place of honesty, so there it is. If I had to make a prediction, I would say she is about to heal so fast it would put Marvel’s wolverine to shame.