I was a very trusting child. And I had every reason to be.
From the beginning, my families’ love and desire to care for me was evident. I took everything the grown-ups said as fact because one of the things they told me out of love was that I would do well to heed their advice and not make the mistakes they had. And to my little ears at least, they said it all so surely. Now, into my mid-30’s, past a whole lot of pain and hurting, I see how they couldn’t have had any idea about the universe we live in, what we even are, or how we got here.
I want to write a basic outline of how I believe I came to arrive at this place of understanding, so I don’t forget.
– 9 years of watching my wife go through heart-wrenching pain and suffering on every level including levels I didn’t know existed.
– Friends not knowing what to say or do except to stop inviting us to events since we could never make it, eventually dropping all communication.
– Various churches and the Christian belief system offering nothing but judgement (both to my wife and I) on a peer and a pastoral level and nothing but cold logical explanations for the generic problem of suffering on a high theological level. Never any practical help.
– Dramatic increase in demonic attacks. Nothing fights, non-issues driving us apart.
– My breaking point. Still under the Christian mindset/terminology at this point, I decided to stop reading the bible and going to church in order to no longer be a threat to the devil so he would leave me alone. This was a test to see if what I’d heard was true. The ‘attacks’ stopped, seemingly proving this concept to be true. (Now, I think I had been forcing this false belief system upon my life and the result of that stress was relationship disconnection resulting in many fights, not demon attacks bc we were a threat to them. We still get attacked by negative entities from time to time but it’s not so easy for them to cause damage since we are healthier spiritually and more transparent relationally.)
– After a few months, a friend reminded me I had gone dark. I had forgotten. I was just enjoying the lack of movement in the spiritual realm. And the freedom of not having to fulfill all the tiring mental Christian obligations of guilt in most everything I naturally think, say and react to. But the 33 years of learned Christian guilt won and made me feel like I should go back, so I went back. I hated it, it felt… different. Wrong somehow. I couldn’t go back, I was in violent opposition to almost everything that was preached from the pulpit. The time away seemed to cleanse the rose color from my glasses.
– I began searching for truth in all places, especially places formerly ‘forbidden’. I felt lied to, but that the ones that had told the lies honestly believed them and still do. Why was I able to wake up and see outside this game? I don’t feel special. I believe it was the pain, suffering and breaking that does this for people. I began exploring and experiencing life for the first time. I felt behind my peers. It clicked, this is what teenagers are supposed to do! This is what they were doing. They weren’t bad, and I good. This are my teenage years. I found Alan Watts and fell in love with the way he explains the viewpoints of Eastern religion in contrast to the problems I was having with the Western world views. It felt wrong to even be listening to a discussion on how Jesus could have not been the divine savior of the world. But that’s when it clicked, the god that had been speaking directly to me through ‘secular’ songs and finding in the ‘forbidden’ places, the god I know to be alive and real, would never judge me for searching for truth in any place. He doesn’t care that I entertain new ideas in hopes of finding new aspects of him and this crazy thing called life. He loves that! Especially when I do it in my own unique way, and enjoy the process.
– I turned the most important corner of my adult life. I renounced Christianity as my religion and vowed to never let another label define who I should or should not be. And also to stay open to all walks of life and find the truth and value in all of them.
Looking at it objectively, religion is a far-fetched faith-based answer to life’s big questions that we accept as truth. But really, this is a description of belief, not truth. Christians believe the Bible is God-breathed (because it says so all throughout the Bible, lol) and therefore feel comfortable jumping from belief to truth. But no one knows it to be so, everyone believes it to be so. I have yet to meet a human who knows any detail absolutely about the reality of this place. All we can do it observe and make guesses. And I can prove that to you. Gravity is called a law but no one person knows absolutely that all objects everywhere fall at the same rate every single time they’re dropped. So gravity is actually a faith-based concept, not a law and certainly not a knowable absolute truth.
Can we know anything absolutely? Well, if you answer, “no”, are you absolutely sure you can’t? Haha. You see the logic game. So according to basic reasoning, yes we can. But quite honestly, I don’t know how to begin determining absolute truths. How could an entity restricted to a single viewpoint and confined to a limited timeline go about discovering such a thing? It seems so far out of our grasp.
I think our only hope is in listening to our quiet inner voice. Inner voice, Holy Spirit, higher self, spirit guide, it has been given many names by people across the world but this just says to me that something is definitely built into us that helps guide us in our pursuit of truth and understanding the deep questions of life and death.
I forget what I came here to say so I’ll just call it. It may have been that outline of how I got here. Really don’t want to forget that.
Alan Watts says we don’t let ourselves wake up to the truth until we feel we have suffered enough for it (paraphrase). That’s certainly true in my case. It seems to be the mechanism that propels us to a better place.
I think everyone’s path will be similar. So now mine is on the net. Which is another thing I feel compelled to do even though I don’t ever talk about it in real life, except to my wife, my kids, and two friends going through the same kind of journey. I really get a sense that the only point of putting any of this here – the point that all of us on this journey seem to understand is to say repeatedly in as many places as possible,
“You are not alone reader. And you are not crazy.”
We can’t all be individually experiencing a psychotic breakdown. A movement is happening and it’s being driven by the intense suffering of the world. So horribly fascinating, isn’t it?